BarGeek’s Guide to Life

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, my posting quality has been less than great lately.  Sometimes life gets in the way of the Internet.  I do my best to post 5x a week, even if it’s just a little sumthin sumthin.  Lately my life has been goin down an interesting path.  Not necessarily bad, but definitely different.  So I apologize for my flakiness as of late.  Hopefully I’ll be feeling like myself again soon.

In the spirit of getting back to good, I wanted to present you with a top ten list of things that make me happy.  And hopefully can make you happy, too.  Oh, and Mercury?  Please to be out of retrograde now, k? Thnx.

BarGeek’s Guide to Life: Top Ten

wawa-coffee10. Wawa Coffee.
Well, really Wawa in general.  For those not in the Northeast, Wawa’s are like 7-11’s, only better.  So much better.  So so so much better.  Hoagies and coffee and doughnuts OH MY.  I am fairly useless in the mornings until I have a cup of Hazelnut coffee with Irish Cream non dairy creamer.  Don’t you judge me.  And yes, I am perfectly aware of the blatant use of Comic Sans on that cup sleeve.  I don’t care.  Wawa can do as they please as long as they keep making coffee and egg white turkey sausage breakfast bagels.

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antm8ds8zu89. America’s Next Top Model
Ok, bear with me.  I love ANTM.  I have always loved it.  If there’s a marathon on I will find it and I will watch the WHOLE THING.  Why?  Because it’s amazing.  Because Tyra Banks is batshit insane and these girls aren’t exactly playing with a full box of crayons, either.  Yes, it’s inane.  Yes, it’s trashy.  But you know what?  I have two Bachelor’s degrees and an IQ of 165, I can watch bad television if I want to.  So can you.  Don’t be ashamed of it.  Smile with your eyes and enjoy the madness!

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8. Cowboy Boots
I used to live in Texas, and I proudly and unironically own a pair of real leather cowboy boots.  The fact that I got them at a thrift store in Allentown, PA for $20 is besides the point.   I wear them with dresses, jeans, skirts, shorts, and occasionally pyjamas.  They make me happy.  They aren’t particularly attractive or fashionable, or even practical, but they make me smile.  And, aside from arch support, isn’t that what a good pair of shoes should do?

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o_whoseline7. Whose Line is it Anyway?
I was a pretty sad panda in high school.  It’s fine, I’ve moved on.  But my point is that there was one thing that could always, without fail, make me smile.  And that thing was and is Whose Line is it Anyway? Both the British version and the American version make me laugh out loud.  I know it’s not the best Improv out there, but dammit if it isn’t funny as hell.  Having performed with Improv groups and taken classes, this older and wiser version of myself knows a little more about what good Improv should be, but I still love watching Colin Mochrie make an ass out of himself.  I really, truly do.

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6. Skittles
Confession:  I ate a bag of Skittles for dinner last night.  I have no regrets.

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3267279765_ed2c452b8f5. CuteOverload.com
Do you like cute things?  If not, are you, in fact, Satan?  Because I dare you, I triple dog dare you, to not audibly go “bawwwwww” when visiting cuteoverload.  If you’re having a bad day, I guarantee this site will make it better.  It’s the next best thing to actually holding a sugar covered cupcake scented kitten in your hand.  And don’t forget the loads of other, unconventionally cute creatures.  Lizards and bugs and deer and elephants.  Cute:  It’s not just for kittens anymore.

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4. Spring Sunshine
You see that giant shiny, yellow looking doohicky out your window?  No, no, don’t look directly at it.  But go outside…yes, I know, I said OUTSIDE, I promise nothing bad will happen….and sit in a place that gets some direct sunlight.  Wait for it.  Wait.   Feel that?  That’s what awesome feels like.  Caution: if you have a skin tone like mine (somewhere between transparent and OMFG WHITE), avoid the shiny yellow thing between June and September.  It will not feel like awesome.  It will feel like pain.

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6199_large3. Jazz Hands
Ok, look, I know I have a weird penchant for this theatrical, moderately flamboyant, hand gesture.  But just try it out.  Stuck in an awkward situation? JAZZ HANDS.  Need to find some tail?  JAZZ HANDS.  Working on your wedding vows?  JAZZ HANDS.  Pulled over for DUI?…well, I wouldn’t actually recommend Jazz Hands in this scenario but go ahead and try it if you’ve got nothing else to lose.  My point is that this silly little gesture will cheer you up.  Or make someone laugh.  Or make you laugh.  It’s pretty much a win-win-win situation.  And I know for a fact that someone has gotten laid using the Jazz Hands method.*

*Sex is not guaranteed with the Jazz Hands method.  You may get slapped in the face.  Don’t bitch to me if you do.  You were obviously doing it wrong.

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philadelphia2.  Philadelphia
I love my city.  I am not ashamed of it.  Yes, we have crime.  Yes, we bombed ourselves once.  Yes, we’re in a little too close for comfort proximity to New Jersey.  Yes, we have the goddamned Eagles. But I love it here.  I work as a tour guide on weekends and I couldn’t be happier sharing the history of my city with tourists.  I love how different people are.  I even love the loud, bitter old heads who hate the fact that people like me are gentrifying their city.  I love the art.  I love the music.  I love the fact that we’re not DC or NY.  I fucking love the Phillies.  I have never been more at home in a city than this one, and I’ve lived in quite a few.  So thanks, Philly, for making this nomad feel at home.

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1. Friends.
No, not the stupid tv show.  But you.  Friends.  The friends that stick with you even when you fuck up so hard you can’t believe you fucked up so hard.  The new friends who know you better in 5 days than you’ve known yourself in 30 years.  The old friends who remember that awkward bitchy slut phase in college and love you anyway.  The friends that drive you to the airport.  The friends that clean up your backyard.  The friends who drink cheap wine with you while you cry on their shoulders.  The friends who leave you alone when you need it, but never leave you alone when you need them.  Go hug your friends.  Yea, this is sappier than I usually am.  But I can’t be cynical and bitter all of the time, can I?

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So there you have it.  10 things that make me smile and maybe one of them will make you smile today.  Notice that none of them have anything to do with pickles.  I can’t fucking stand pickles.  Vinegar tasting weirdly soft yet crunchy motherfuckers.

–DB

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