Married couples on Facebook with their inane status updates and wall posts are the bane of my internet existence. Seriously, marrieds. STFU.
Ok, so before I begin this post I want to clarify my own position on this topic. Look, I get that you are married or in a relationship and it’s awesome. And I’m all for it. Love is awesome. Love is grand. Go love! Personally, I have issued a personal decree to never, ever, EVER post my relationship status on the internet again. I have learned valuable lessons via Facebook breakups. If people really want to know these things about me, they are free to ask. But I also don’t hold anyone else’s choice about posting these things against them. I don’t even mind the occasional once and a while announcement on your profile that hey, you love your guy/girl/blow up doll with all your heart. Or even a sweet picture of the two of you sitting on a rock in a park in khakis and button downs looking all New York Times Weekend Section and making ga ga eyes at eachother. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. It happens, love makes us want to scream things to the mountains. Or post things on the internet. It’s sweet. ONCE AND A WHILE. But when THIS happens:
It makes me want to stab you in the eyeballs with a LOLCat. I mean, seriously? Do you do nothing else in your daily life except post about how much you miss another person? Do your “friends” really enjoy this? Or are you simply posting for your own amusement, like this genius:
I mean, personally I happen to like the “I like this” feature on Facebook. Sometimes I want to express appreciation for someone else’s witty efforts without formulating one of my own. But I have never “liked” one of my OWN posts. And some of them were truly epic and deserving of that little thumbs up.
I know that getting such deep pleasure out of something like STFU Marrieds may make you think me a bitter, cynical late twenty something maid. And you would be %85 right. But there is that %15 that, once and a while, sees a Tweet or a Facebook proclamation of love that makes me smile. It finds the two meter wide exhaust port in the Death Star that is my soul and just blasts it right to shit. I am, underneath all this, a hopeless romantic. And I appreciate and respect the people I am friends with that are genuinely in love, and on occasion want to talk about it.
But when some people seem to have nothing better to do with their unfettered internet time than this:
My heart shrivels into a womp rat. And don’t get me started on the people that seem to forget the whole premise that the internet is not a private conversation. I am a firm believer in the idea that if you wouldn’t want your grandmother reading it, you shouldn’t post it (and yes, my dearly departed Nana would have loved Emotipenis. She was a rock star like that). So, when you go and post something like this:
Try and remember that the rest of the class (not to mention your husband) can probably read it. And we will probably mock you for it. Because we’re assholes. And some of us assholes have sites like STFU Marrieds. And yes, somewhere out in the ether, my Nana is laughing her ass off. Where do you think I get it from?
All screenshots from STFU Marrieds.